Dan writes: I gave in to my girlfriend Sammy’s request to adopt a cat but asked that I get to name the pet. I named him Conway (#conwaycat on Instagram). Now Sammy has begun using unsanctioned nicknames, such as Skeeter, Skittles or even Squitter.
First, the court recoils at your attempt to use this column to jack up your cat’s likes. And second, Sammy was robbed. It was cruel to seize naming rights for yourself, as giving a creature of pure vanity a hilarious name is one of the main consolations for the chore of handling its feces — and you didn’t want that cat in the first place. That said, you are in the right. Skeeter is obviously not a nickname for Conway. I order her to use his given name, if only for consistency in internet branding (I took the bait; cute cat). In fact, the best and only acceptable nickname for #conwaycat would be “Hashtag.”